Relationship Games
Tagged as: Jul 23An easy way to differentiate between people that are young and old are how they deal with relationships. Even more important than their years (after all age is just a number) is the maturity with which they handle things.
So what do people do? They play games. What are games? They are things like:
- Girls saying no when they actually mean yes
- Guys not wanting to express how they actually feel because it’s not “manly”
- Similarly guys pretending to be completely uninterested
- Girls playing hard to get (when they actually do want the pursuer to “catch” them)
- Both reading into all kinds of actions, lack of actions, subtle tones, sly looks, the way they laugh when you’re around, and all manner of intricacies that I do not have knowledge of
- A girl leading a guy (or vice versa) to think that a relationship might happen at some future time
Courtesy of Flickr user *Karla*
When we play these games, it’s all smoke and mirrors. And if the goal of relationships is marriage, then how is that helpful in accomplishing that goal? It’s not.
Guys need to ask the girl out, straight up. (I had my fun being sarcastic about it On Asking A Girl Out by saying what you should not be doing.) But you need to make it crystal clear to her what you want and what you’re doing. Otherwise you’re just beating around the bush and wasting everyone’s time.
Girls need to act purposefully. You want him? Go with it if he asks you out. You don’t? Tell him the truth, brutal as it might be. Don’t sugarcoat things because that helps nobody.
These things don’t just apply to the chase, do they? I’m not even really sure why they would apply more specifically to guy/girl relationships. All I know is that I see it there more often. However, these thoughts and their ramifications could be generalized to cover any type of relationship with anyone.
I’ve been wondering lately if all the games aren’t just overreactions to things that sort of have to happen in a relationship anyway. That is I sort of wonder if some of the games aren’t just normal relationship stuff gone bad/out of control. For instance love & marriage may certainly be the goal, but women tend to get freaked out by hearing that goal discussed too soon
So I just wonder sometimes if the games aspect of relationships don’t just grow from those constant negotiations - when do I show my cards? When do I hold them close? Because you know, there can be a too soon and a too late on some things and so games might sort of be an overextension or magnified version or overreaction…or something.
Interesting point. So you’re saying that games are just natural actions that are taken too far? That might very well be true.
These games might indeed just be a result of overthinking. But that’s no good either. (Even though it’s no good, I can truly say that I do this all too often.) What kinds of lessons have you learned about timing? Any good firsthand stories?
Sorry I took so long - as I’ve been explaining on Ms.Q’s blog, I’m having computer problems. As in: mine’s dead. Again!
And this computer is…flighty. It won’t even let me post to my own blog! But I’m hoping it lets me post here.
So yeah, I haven’t decided completely, but my idea is that perhaps the games are just natural actions gone wrong.
It’s like, when you go on a first date, whether or not you are playing games, you are trying to put forth your best side. It’s like a job interview - A person has all these wonderful qualities and then one has some lousy qualities. So he or she tries to present the good qualities first. If the other person likes the good qualities enough, he or she will be willing to accept the rotten qualities. And then maybe the game playing comes in when the other person tries too hard to disguise the rotten qualities, or tries to hard to play up the good qualities.
Or a little further into dating there are other things to negotiate - how often do you see each other? Talk to each other? Operating on the assumption that one person will want more contact than the other, one person has to learn to give the other person leeway, or one person has to be in more contact than he or she wants or can reasonably provide. So here’s another place games can start (”I’m not calling him because he didn’t return my last call for three hours!” or “If I text him this, he’s going to think that”). It’s all a lot to negotiate, and though I don’t think of myself as someone who plays games at all, I do think some of the negotiations lend themselves to be taken a bit too far, even if it’s only not to hurt the other person’s feelings.
Oh no! I’m sorry to hear about the computer problems. I’m glad that you were able to post a comment, though.
That does seem to be one thought about these games (that they’re just extreme actions that are actually originally natural). I can understand trying to show off the good qualities first, but I’m rather partial to seeing the bad as soon as possible. If you can see the worst and still want to be with them, then you’re set, right? Less wasted time! But this is all in moderation. (As everything should be, right?)
I’m not so sure if I’m a fan of the games of holding out or reading into what he will think if you text him, though. My thoughts on that situation would be to work it out to its end in the discussion so that no guessing or second-thinking is necessary. It just doesn’t seem too wise to be wasting all of that time in uncertainty.
Thorough communication >> uncertainty, second-guessing
Right?
Yeah with the reading into it, seems like that ends up backfiring sometimes. Often maybe even. Still, I think it’s useful to think about to the extent that it sort of makes you think: what exactly is it you want him to know from the text/email/conversation? So in a sense I think it can be sort of helpful, if only to clarify ones own thinking.
I was laughing at myself a couple days ago bec. a friend kept coming back to this one sentence in her email that she wanted to keep and I had already said I thought she should ditch. I kept telling her, “You can say that if you want to. But if I were a guy getting that email, I’d just be confused.”
I mean maybe not, but I’m thinking if I can’t figure out what she means after not just hearing the email but talking with her about it for a good 15 or 20 minutes, there’s no way a guy is going to figure it out by the email alone. Although now that I’m typing all this out, I wonder if her whole point was that everything wasn’t as cut and dried as it might seem…who the heck knows. But see? Game playing or just general confusion? Who can tell?!?!?!?!?
I guess that’s probably why some people like the games. Some people like them and some people don’t. I just belong to the latter group. Oh and I think that it makes more sense to be a part of that group, too.
Maybe it all goes back to the (rather trite) saying, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
gasp, you know about all these games that we play?!? haha..
you’re right, thanks, derek. we are all too prideful to be straight up and honest with each other.
i’ll be the first to be honest in our friendship, derekson. i think you’re great! but i think you already know that..haha..
Haha thanks, tiffany. Do you think that you’ve been someone who plays games in the past or are you very upfront about everything?
for sure i have (to be honest). it’s hard to be upfront… but as i grow up and hopefully mature, i hope to be more upfront, but i do have my moments!
Oh well I’m glad for change in the positive direction!
I think people get used to the games. Some aren’t games per se - many people are just afraid to state how they feel too early because they fear rejection or they worry about coming on too strong.
I’ve never played games. It takes a lot of effort.
I haven’t done it in a while but flirting can be fun - light-hearted stuff that is more about complimenting a person.
I don’t date much and the few dates I do go on are usually via online dating. If you’re working and busy - there aren’t many dating opportunities so online dating sites are one resource. Meeting online does eliminate some game-playing I think. In my case, the way I wrote my profile pretty much filters out potential game players.
On a recent set of dates, I told my date, “I like you. I’d like to see you again. What do you think?” or something like that. I also think complimenting someone isn’t “giving stuff away” so I’ll tell a date what things I like about him if I notice.
I don’t think that everyone is ready for this approach, though. I think my being warm and appreciative can be taken as I’m not sure what, asking for a commitment? I figure that I’ll be me and the guy for me will like me for me!
I also don’t believe in the ping-pong calling approach - the “I’ll call if you call” etc. I guess I do play a little bit of a game in that I am careful of what I write and say, spool it out a bit. Don’t want to give TMI too soon! But what I do write - well, I try to be honest.
Cool! It’s good to know that people enjoy not playing games. So you’ve always been like this? Why do you think that is? I mean, what kinds of influences caused you to be like that?
I like that straight up approach. I think that it helps to actually hear someone say something instead of trying to just infer it from actions that might be misinterpreted. It is easier on the one who is trying to express themselves as well as the one who is hearing it.
Do you encounter other people that like to play these games, whether male or female?
My friends are pretty straight up but it seems they may be on the receiving end of games.
Why am I like I am? I’d say I was influenced by my mom and seeing her date way back when. I also saw a lot of just overall avoidance of being open and honest because it usually ended up making you vulnerable. I was raised with a lot of avoidance of dealing with issues. Yet I was also raised with honesty being the best policy.
I don’t encounter much game-playing folks. I think it’s a bit of the ole Law of Attraction in action. I don’t expect people to play games or be mean and most of the people I encounter are positive (sometimes surprisingly so when you learn of their situation) and kind and compassionate.
Sometimes I am not sure if people are truly playing a game when it comes to dating - it’s less of games than fear. Playing the game is a bit like feeling safe because you are following the script.
So…are you dating anyone ???
If you mentioned it somewhere around here I’m sorry if I missed it.
That’s one of the things about those games that people play with relationships. It takes two so if one person is playing, the other person is dragged in. And that’s not right!
So you were influenced by seeing it not put into practice? But it seems to be that your views on all of these things turned out just fine.
You really think that when people play games it’s all about fear? I suppose that a part of it might be fear, but I don’t know if I buy that it’s all about fear. But then again, I don’t think that I necessarily give everyone the benefit of the doubt like you do!
I’m going to go with a “no comment” to your last question. Haha not that I’m ashamed, but my blog and its comments are not the place that I (currently) tell everyone all about my life. It’s just a place for me to ponder a little bit. You understand I’m sure (since you do things like not even show a picture).
I understand about the not talking about dating stuff. I don’t talk about dating or my dating experiences on my blog!
I have photos of myself….kinda. ;D
Well you do mention some of your dating experiences, but it’s never traceable and it’s usually only as part of some larger illustration. Do you also keep a personal journal or blog that you do write about that stuff? I know that I do.
Yeah, I may mention my dating experiences (usually in a comment) but I don’t make an entire post about it, at least not about the date itself or any details about the man.
I tend to write a lot of emails to friends and tell them what is going on - it’s easier for me to tell someone what is going on than journal it although also started writing in an electronic journal (http://www.davidrm.com/thejournal/)
I used to write in actual journals but I write so much that actual handwriting is slow and can’t keep up with my ideas. The journal software is very cool - password protected, can be installed on a jumpdrive, handles tags, searching, images…
I haven’t really used all its features but it’s a great program.
Yeah I don’t think that I’ve ever been a fan of laying out one’s entire life for all to see. Some people like it and find it helpful. But personally, I like keeping somethings to myself. I especially feel that way with such a public medium as a blog.
I think that you’ve mentioned the journal software before. It seems pretty cool. My method is just to write a text document with the filename of YYYYMMDD in a folder labeled journal. It’s extremely basic.
hahaha on the file naming convention! I like plain text docs and tend to use YYMMDD + something relevant for my filenames.
I hadn’t thought of purchasing journaling software but now that I use it, it’s nice to have the search features and the categories/tags. A single day could involve several categories (feeling sad, weird happenings at work, health) and each paragraph could be highlighted with that category. I forget to use them - it’s enough to write things down but I sometimes write my dreams and searching for all “dream” categories can come in handy.
Oh true, I do that as well (with the file naming). It’s good to not have to rely on the operating system timestamp that is within each file (since that can more easily change).
Some of those features that you have do sound nice. I guess my thinking is that I could always just grep through periods of journal entries to find what I want. We’ll see if I ever actually do it (since I haven’t yet really).
just play the game, derek! =D
Haha does that mean that you like playing the game(s)??
I did not say that but I gotta do what I gotta do. =P jk. We’ve talked about this before so you know that the game I am referring to is the one that has to be played… like the guy should wait a few days after the first date to ask for a second, the guy should not call excessively, girl should not call guy, blah blah blah. As for the manipulative ones that you speak of, they do not sound fun so I would not want to play them. haha.
Yeah it seems like the games that you’re talking about are also known as prudence and self-control.
But yeah, I suppose those are a bit of the gamesmanship as well.
However, I’m definitely glad that you don’t play these manipulative and tricky games! Hm or do you…