What Is Marriage?
Tagged as: Jun 11They’re pretty much married already. What’s the difference?
-former co-worker about an unmarried couple living together
What is the difference, really? That is, I have an idea of what the difference is. To me there is a difference between marriage and just living together. In fact there is a difference between marriage and any other state that one can be in (e.g., single, friends, partners)!
But to the rest of the world, it seems like marriage is only an extra special promise to be faithful. And legal rights and benefits. Really, that’s all it is to a large part of the world? “I do. I definitely promise not to be unfaithful to you. You have my word.”
It seems like people wouldn’t try so hard to fight for it if that’s what it is to them.
Oh goodness…I think it’s that it’s just more complicated than it seems. I have a friend who has been “happily unmarried for 18 years.” Maybe it’s 17. Either way, she’s got four kids and a house with the guy and they are in it every bit as deeply, probably even MORE deeply than some married people. They lack the ceremony and the piece of paper, but in my mind they have everything else that a married couple has. Other people have the paper and have had the ceremony but don’t have anywhere near the commitment.
That said, I don’t think it means marriage is just a promise not to be unfaithful. Ideally you’re promising more than that, and you’re promising not just to your spouse but God and the neighbors and especially your relatives who suddenly find themselves with a brother in law or niece or daughter in law. But I don’t think it can be as simple.
As for how hard people fight, I think another totally individual and complicated thing, and probably (I think you’re right about this) in large part determined by what the marriage means to them. In my case, I made so very many mistakes. But ultimately I was with someone who was totally wrong for me, so even if I had done everything right I’m not sure how much of a difference it would have made.