Lock The Stall Door

Tagged as: Gross, Seen-Around, Tip-For-Life, Work Jan 31

There are some things that happen in life that cause you to become speechless. For some, this happens more often than for others. For me, it just happened. What in the world do you say when you walk into a stall and someone is sitting on the toilet doing their business?

Wait a second, something is not right. Oh yeah, I’m not supposed to go into a stall when another person is already in there.

1. “You forgot to lock the door, you ninny.”
2. “Surprise! I’m here!”
3. “How are those TPS reports going?”
4. “Ah ha, THAT’S where the smell was coming from!”
5. “How’s that crossword puzzle going for you?”
6. “Whoa…you know that’s not normal.”
7. “Room in here for another?”

Really, how do you respond to that? You can’t. You’re speechless. This is one for the scrapbook (i.e. the blog). It’s even better when this person is from work and you see them around but don’t actually know them. Super!

Tip for life #2340987: Lock the little latch on the door when you are in a stall

Pull Your Pants Up, Boy

Tagged as: Amusing, Gross, Rant, Seen-Around, Work Oct 05

Alright so we had a fire drill the other day. And it was annoying. The sirens were piercingly loud. I guess that’s good because you don’t want to have your earphones in and listening to music so that you don’t hear the alarm when it goes off. Nevertheless the fact of the matter was that there wasn’t a fire and it did hurt my ears.

When you go down the stairs for the fire drill, it’s mild because nobody is actually trying to get away from a fire. I can only imagine that some people would panic in the case of a real fire and try to run by people. These are probably the same people that need to learn what I have to say On Driving. They’re the ones zooming by, cutting you off, and still getting to the destination not a minute or two faster than you. In a fire drill they’re gonna run as fast as they can, knock people over, and cause general pandemonium. Great.

But those thoughts weren’t the most disturbing of the day.

Many people exited the building (it’s a 5 story one with multiple companies), and as we’re standing in the grass I see someone (from my company) who is standing there with his arms raised. They’re resting on his head. Maybe he was stretching. Maybe he was subtly trying to get someone’s attention. Maybe he was trying to touch the sky. How do I know? But whatever he was doing, all I know is that his shirt was too short (so it raised along with his arms), and his pants were sagging too much. And there was a great view of his man hair (if you know what I mean, pubic hair if you don’t) if you’re into that. But I’m not into that. Not at all. And I don’t know too many people who are. So that made me unhappy and disgusted.

So remember, kids, to pull up your pants. Especially if you’re at work. Especially if you’re raising your arms up and trying to grab birds out of the air. You know who you are.

Sneezing, Coughing…Keep It To Yourself!

Tagged as: Gross, Life, Rant, Seen-Around Aug 28

This past weekend was quite an ordeal. I saw many instances of disgusting behavior that even more solidified my belief that people are just gross. Is it because I live in a fastidious society that elevates cleanliness to godliness? Perhaps it is. But it doesn’t matter because I am still grossed out by others no matter what the reason.

Sneezing is a naturally occurring action. Our body responds like that because it is trying to rid itself of something that does not belong. Perhaps it is because we are sick and it’s trying to expel some germ-infested mucus. Or more than likely it is because there is some dust or other foreign particle caught inside of our body. So the body is doing a great thing when it reacts with a sneeze. However, there is no need to be at a swap meet and turn to the side to sneeze. The reason that there is no need for that is because there might be other people standing near there. And those people might not appreciate your nasty disgusting expelled mucus even close to them. Thanks.

Coughing is a similarly outstanding action that the body uses to save itself from harm. It can happen in order to keep the windpipe clear so that we can breathe. Well I guess it can also happen in order to signal someone about something. But that is not what I’m thinking of. I’m thinking of that hacking repeated cough that some are so inclined to do. You know where you don’t do that? At a buffet. A place where everyone essentially shares the same food. You don’t cough on your hand. You know why? It’s because you are going to use that same hand to get your food. That is sick. You also do not sneeze all over food. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like it. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing. You can feel it (it doesn’t sneak up on you) so please just put anything in your hand down so that you can cover up. That is even more sick! I hope that you don’t know what you are doing and what germs are because if you knew and still did it, you should be so ashamed.

I do not appreciate when people are inconsiderate. Have you ever noticed how easy it is for us (in general as people) to truly only care about ourselves? It’s our natural carnal tendency, whether you’d like to admit it or not. Some acknowledge this and try their darnedest to fight it. Some have been changed. And some just don’t care. I’d hope that I’m not the latter ranting and raving against my own.

So next time you cough, sneeze, or in some other way do something that can affect others, think about what you’d want others to do. And put some hand sanitizer on that mess.

Nastiness In Your Mouth

Tagged as: Food, Gross, Humor Jul 25

As part of Harry Potter-mania, Jelly Belly held a special promotion of Bertie Bott’s Jelly Beans. My co-worker brought some a couple of bags of them in to work recently and we got the special privilege of getting to try them.

These are a special release and as such they have special flavors. Everything from grass to pickle to black pepper and booger. However, none of that can compare to a couple of the ones that I tried.

I’d like to think that I’m willing to try many things. I have no desire to try everything once, mind you. I have no desire to try things that might necessarily place my life/freedom/health in jeopardy. But I still fancy myself a bit adventurous, and I’d like to think that I’m willing to try many things.

So I tried some especially fun flavors such as vomit and sardine. However, by and far the worst flavor that I tried was rotten egg. Rotten egg. Who thinks of such things?

So my co-workers and I were trying different flavors in the mindset of doing them together. Nobody likes to things alone, and just as I wrote in I’m Willing If You Are doing things side by side with another peson is an effective psychological tool. So after taking turns at trying different flavors and meeting with relative disgust, we decided to all try the rotten egg flavored jelly bean at once. We each picked out jelly beans according to the guide, but when we tried it we all discovered that we had in fact chosen the much better lemon drop flavor. Then I decided that I only live an earthly life once, so I still tried it even while my co-workers tried other things. And as I slowly chewed and let the saliva transmit the flavor to my taste buds, I began to become quite disgusted. The flavor and the stench conspired to cause me to gag. I coughed a few times, and I must say that I really felt a couple of moments of almost wanting to puke. It was so gross. It’s amusing that it was in fact grosser than the vomit taste itself.

Other thoughts:

• In any case, I’ve tried it and I don’t intend on trying it ever again. But please, I would be more than happy to have you try it. It’s not as if you have been there and done it.
• I’m really really really really really glad they did not choose to make a jelly bean that was flavored as sour milk. I think that would have guaranteed puking from many adventurous souls.
• I think that flavor tester for these nasty Bertie Bott’s Jelly Beans has got to be on the list of the worst jobs. Imagine tasting vomit every single day at work. And not just everyday, but constantly. Oh man.
• That morning of trying nasty tastes was filled with hilarity. Paramount was when an unsuspecting co-worker believed another who said that a jelly bean was an innocuous fruit flavor when it was in fact vomit-flavored.

Man Vs. Wild (rawr!)

Tagged as: Amazing, Amusing, Entertainment, Gross, Television May 29

Have you seen Man vs Wild on the Discovery Channel?

If you don’t know, it’s a show that follows one man as he tries to overcome the challenge of surviving in the wilderness with little more than what a traveler might have.

I love this show. It’s amazing while also being hilarious. First off, the man’s name is Bear. That’s not a nickname. That’s just his name. You know that he’s gotta be awesome if his name is “Bear.” In any case, a cameraman (okay maybe a crew?) follows him as he does whatever it takes to survive in various harsh climates. I’ve seen him in places like the Rockies, a volcano crater in Hawaii, the African desert, and other such fun places.

7 Favorite Moments From Man vs Wild

1. When he eats a live snake by biting off the head (which according to Bear would taste disgusting) and slurping the rest of it through his mouth like a spaghetti noodle.
2. Eating maggots from an animal that was killed in an avalanche. Apparently the actual animal flesh would be dangerous to eat because it’s rotten. But the maggots that eat the rotten flesh? They’re just fine. Who would’ve thought?
3. When he tries to ride a wild horse but fails miserably because he tries to mount it after only being around it for a little bit. I think that because he’s so good, it’s pretty funny when he fails.
4. Catching and taking a big bite out of a live fish. He looked like Gollum. It was disgustingly awesome.
5. Finding a zebra that was killed by lions and then picked by vultures. The bones are clean. So what does Bear do? He cuts off the skin near the neck and eats the zebra meat raw. And then he puts some in his pocket to eat later!
6. Talking about how rattlesnakes are dangerous and how you shouldn’t get close to them. All the while walking closer and closer to the rattlesnake right in front of him.
7. Finding a mound of ants, talking about how he only eats the abdomen of the ants because the bite hurts, and then allowing an ant to bite his tongue so that you can see how much it must hurt. And the ants are actually a “sweet treat” to him.

Isn’t it amazing what people will do to survive? I don’t think that this kind of brutal living is ever hardly seen by many of us because we are in “civilized” locations.

I think that a great part of the appeal to the show is that he (seemingly) actually enjoys all of it. Oh and for some reason the British accent makes it that much more interesting and authentic.

I could learn a lot from this show. Perhaps even more than just the survival techniques. But even if I couldn’t, at least I’d have a great time being grossed out, amazed, and entertained.