Fortune Cookies Suck

Tagged as: Food, Humor, Seen-Around Apr 07

Beware the fortune cookie that says

Your luck is just not there. Attend to practical matters today.

Nastiness In Your Mouth

Tagged as: Food, Gross, Humor Jul 25

As part of Harry Potter-mania, Jelly Belly held a special promotion of Bertie Bott’s Jelly Beans. My co-worker brought some a couple of bags of them in to work recently and we got the special privilege of getting to try them.

These are a special release and as such they have special flavors. Everything from grass to pickle to black pepper and booger. However, none of that can compare to a couple of the ones that I tried.

I’d like to think that I’m willing to try many things. I have no desire to try everything once, mind you. I have no desire to try things that might necessarily place my life/freedom/health in jeopardy. But I still fancy myself a bit adventurous, and I’d like to think that I’m willing to try many things.

So I tried some especially fun flavors such as vomit and sardine. However, by and far the worst flavor that I tried was rotten egg. Rotten egg. Who thinks of such things?

So my co-workers and I were trying different flavors in the mindset of doing them together. Nobody likes to things alone, and just as I wrote in I’m Willing If You Are doing things side by side with another peson is an effective psychological tool. So after taking turns at trying different flavors and meeting with relative disgust, we decided to all try the rotten egg flavored jelly bean at once. We each picked out jelly beans according to the guide, but when we tried it we all discovered that we had in fact chosen the much better lemon drop flavor. Then I decided that I only live an earthly life once, so I still tried it even while my co-workers tried other things. And as I slowly chewed and let the saliva transmit the flavor to my taste buds, I began to become quite disgusted. The flavor and the stench conspired to cause me to gag. I coughed a few times, and I must say that I really felt a couple of moments of almost wanting to puke. It was so gross. It’s amusing that it was in fact grosser than the vomit taste itself.

Other thoughts:

• In any case, I’ve tried it and I don’t intend on trying it ever again. But please, I would be more than happy to have you try it. It’s not as if you have been there and done it.
• I’m really really really really really glad they did not choose to make a jelly bean that was flavored as sour milk. I think that would have guaranteed puking from many adventurous souls.
• I think that flavor tester for these nasty Bertie Bott’s Jelly Beans has got to be on the list of the worst jobs. Imagine tasting vomit every single day at work. And not just everyday, but constantly. Oh man.
• That morning of trying nasty tastes was filled with hilarity. Paramount was when an unsuspecting co-worker believed another who said that a jelly bean was an innocuous fruit flavor when it was in fact vomit-flavored.

On Driving

Tagged as: Humor, The-Wrong-Way Jun 27

Here’s what you should do when you’re driving.

1. Weave - You mastered Gran Tourismo. Life is just like that. Everyone else is just a computer and they don’t matter. They’re just obstacles in your way to the glorious finish line!
2. Swerve Suddenly and As Late As Possible - Don’t make controlled lane changes in a reasonable amount of time. Wait until the very last second and surprise everyone with what you’re going to do. The government and Google already know everything about you, why let them know what lane you’re going to change to? That’s right, stick it to the Man.
3. Yell At Other Drivers - Why bother being nice and full of good cheer? Inside you want to yell at them anyways. Old, young, black, white, hispanic, asian, gangsters, teenagers, rich, or poor they had no right to be there when you wanted to change into their lane. So go ahead, give ‘em an earful. And you wouldn’t want to make the tirade any less effective so go ahead and stare at them while you yell. Don’t worry about making sure not to hit someone else while you’re not looking. I already let them know that you’re going to not be paying attention so they’ll rightfully get out of your way. Because it’s all about you.
4. Cross Double Yellow Lines - They don’t mean anything anyways. What are lines anyways? They’re just contrived barriers between us and the world. As a kid you wanted to color outside of the lines. And now as a driver you want to cross them as many times as you can. So let loose and cross them. Or better yet, just straddle the lines and pretend that the lines are like the rail that guides your Autopia car at Disneyland. That should be fun trying to sqeeze through when there are stupid cars on either side of you.
5. Cheat In The Carpool Lane - Cheaters 4 Life? Who cares, you need to get somewhere fast and the carpool lane was made for that. It’s not fair that people that decrease gas usage get to go faster. You paid good money for your vehicle and you deserve to go as fast as you are able to. Besides, you’re more important than everyone else anyways.
6. Tailgate - Stick as close as possible to the car in front of you. “I don’t want to get into an accident,” you say. Sissy! I always say if you can’t kiss it, then you shouldn’t be staring at its rear.

So follow these simple steps and you’ll quickly be going the wrong way. However, if you’d rather be going the Wong way, use your head and don’t do any of them!

Thanks, Ms. Q for the idea. If it goes well (people enjoy it), I’m sure that I will come up with more. So let me know what you think of it.

Ah Summer!

Tagged as: Humor, Pictures, Seen-Around Jun 14

I was never one for pro con lists. But maybe I’ll start. Here is one for the season that is summer. And one caveat to this post is that must know that I live in sunny southern California, so if you live in some forsaken place then you’ll just have to wish it were different for you. Or you can bask in the cons that I experience and enjoy your freezing cold. Just know this: I wouldn’t trade places with you at all.

Pro:The sun gives us vitamin D which is needed for, among other things, calcium to be absorbed and used. It also gives you a nice healthy looking glow.
Con:The sun causes skin cancer. It also causes wrinkles.

Pro:Can make use of those expensive sunglasses.
Con:The reflection off of objects is sometimes glaring, especially if we forget to bring those expensive sunglasses.

Pro:Have more sunlight to play with (or in).
Con:Having nobody to play with.

Pro:Summer love.
Con:Not having anyone to love. Or more likely, having nobody to love you back.

Pro:Sitting out, enjoying a nice drink on the proverbial porch.
Con:The stupid bugs that will eat you alive.

Pro:Vacations to far off places.
Con:Not having any vacation time. Or having no job and plenty of “vacation time,” but obviously having no money to vacation with.

Pro:Cruising in your car, looking cool.
Con:Not having had any rain for a long time, so your car is dirty. Your speakers are not loud enough to make anyone glance again. Your car is laughably unimpressive. You look like a fool.

Photo courtesy of flickr user Storm Crypt and used according to a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 license.

A Bad Sign Of Online Usage

Tagged as: Amusing, Humor, Internet Jun 04

So I was reading PC Magazine (we got it free for some reason), and I saw this little side article that I thought was pretty amusing. It had a list of AIM acronyms that are not all too commonly used taken from America Online, 2007. Now most people nowadays know of things like LOL (laugh out loud), BRB (be right back), and TTYL (talk to you later). But those are maybe just the originals and can’t necessarily say exactly what you want. Or maybe they’re so overused that they’re boring. In any case, if you already knew any of the following, you have been online far too much. You need to get your pale self outside and greet the sun more often.

1. ADADanother day, another dollar
2. DQMOTdon’t quote me on this
3. BITDback in the day
4. SMFETEsmiling from ear to ear
5. GOLgiggling out loud
6. IMNERHOin my never even remotely humble opinion
7. BTDTGTTSAWIObeen there, done that, got the t-shirt, and wore it out
8. PRWparents are watching
9. WYGOWMwill you go out with me?
10. MTFBWUmay the force be with you

Personally I’m a fan of WYGOWM and BTDTGTTSAWIO. Maybe you can find an occasion to use them. ADAD is amusing just because the saying is amusing. If I ever encountered acronyms like this online, I would be totally confused.