On Asking A Girl Out

Tagged as: Relationships, The-Wrong-Way Jun 04

Dating is a frightening proposition. I thought I’d put together some pointers for those guys who might be thinking about venturing out into the big blue sea.

1. Scared - That’s right, girls are scary. They’re mean. They’re intimidating. So shy away from them. Ask them out using as little direct interaction as possible (e.g. while chatting online, on their Facebook, over e-mail). They’ll just want to coddle and love you because they can see that you’re a sensitive soul.
2. Ask Everyone For Advice - Communal knowledge, right? Ask her friends, her enemies, your friends, your enemies, strangers, and anyone else what you should do before you actually do it. But no matter what, don’t ask her yet.
3. Nervous - It’s not easy. So go ahead and stutter, stumble over your words, and forget what you wanted to say. She’ll understand. It’s a tough, cold world.
4. Over Dramatize - Asking out a girl is a big deal. So go all out. Flowers? Of course. Dress up? Sure. Jewelry? Perhaps. Because really, once she says yes to a date, she’s probably going to say yes to anything else that you ask.
5. Trick Her - Don’t even call it a date. Call it “hanging out” or “catching up” or something similarly ambiguous. That way you can get in under the radar without having to put yourself out there. Because if you put yourself out there, you might get hurt. And that doesn’t feel good!
6. Figure Out Everying Before - She’s gonna say yes anyways. So you have to know what kind of centerpieces you’re going to have at your banquet. Man she’s going to look beautiful walking down that aisle towards you, huh?
7. Don’t Take No For An Answer - She really wants you. She’s just playing hard to get. Go get ‘em, Tiger. Even if she gets a restraining order. Even if she never responds to you. Even if she says to get out of her life and never call her again. It’s all a ploy. Only suckers fall for ploys.

Now you’re ready, young man. Or old man. Whatever stage of life you are man. You have all of the tools necessary to win the woman of your dreams. Don’t worry, she’s gonna love you. Trust me, I can tell about these kinds of things.

Now Now Children

Tagged as: Seen-Around, The-Wrong-Way Aug 06

First off: I don’t have kids, so perhaps this post is colored a bit differently than if I did.

Now that I’ve said that, I have some thoughts on kids. For quite some time I have thought that they (along with elderly) are absolutely hilarious. They have no qualms about acting in whatever manner they want because they just don’t care what others think about them. And I really like that because they’re being real to themselves. They’ll do socially unacceptable things, they’ll say things that others would be scared to say. They’ll let loose a fart in public that’s loud and smelly, they’ll criticize someone for the way that they’re dressed, and so on and so forth. That’s funny to me.

However, just the other day I went to the San Diego Zoo and saw some children that caused me to realize that this let loose, carefree attitude was also good to see things that were more important than humor. It allowed me to see what kind of people they really were. As children, it allowed me to see how they were being raised.

Children are a product of parenting, that is obvious. They are raw and they don’t know about society when they come out of the womb. They must be taught about it, molded into a shape that is acceptable. Sometimes parents are not good. Okay, I’m sure that very often parents are not good. They mess kids up and we get a world full of bitter, messed up kids in need of some psychoanalysis, a hug, and perhaps some discipline. And thus, here is how to go the Wrong Way in raising a child (based very briefly on a some observations throughout a day):

1. First off, don’t worry about ethnicity. You can raise a horrible child no matter your skin tone or where on earth you are from. It’s possible, you can do it so go ahead and try.
2. (For the white kid) Let your kid do whatever he wants. Sure he needs some discipline. Sure he needs to listen to the rules of the bus to not stand on the seat, but he really just wants to see everything. So it’s okay, when you want him to sit down for his own good and he pushes away your hands, be gentle and loving. When he turns around and smacks you across the face, say “that’s okay.” When your mother (his grandmother) wants to discipline him, just tell her to back off because she’s antagonizing him and that’s causing a ruckus. Relax, your kid is going to turn out just fine.
3. (For the black kid) You need to allow them to do whatever they want. If they see a toy, they’ll think it’s like the ones that they have at home. Oh you let them break them at home? Oh sure, then you should just let them try to break them everywhere else also. Then you realize that’s not okay in public and you tell them otherwise. Good good, mixed signals to a child will definitely help them to learn.
4. (For the Hispanic kid) It’s a good idea to just clean up after your kid. Make sure that he lives in a clean house, but do not ever think to force him to clean up after himself. He’ll always have you around to clean up after him, anyways. So that’s perfect, because when he is messing around by himself at say the zoo, then he’ll expect it to be the same as at home. He’ll take his juice wrapper, throw it on the ground, kick it around, and ultimately pick it up and throw it at an animal cage when you’re not watching. He will litter and run away as if that were perfectly normal. The trash can right near him? He doesn’t even know what that is because you’ve always just done everything for him. Ah there, you have raised a polite and reasonable child. Good job!
5. (For the Asian kid) When you want your way, talk really loud. Do that at home with your family, too. Other people will only know that you want something when you’re loudly vocal about it. She’ll learn the same. So when you’re walking around, she’s wailing in a monstrously loud fashion about her desires because that’s how she knows to tell you something. And inconveniently you’re not going to want to abide right then. So just keep on going let her continue her wailing. She’ll think that the louder she gets, the more likely she’ll get it. Don’t instruct her otherwise. Very likely it’s true that she can be very loud, and you’re going to give in to her later on. She’ll learn eventually that she can’t always get her way. Someone else will teach her. She’ll learn eventually that she can’t scream as loud as she possibly can in public for prolonged periods of time. She’ll learn that your silence is actually your love, caring, and devotion to her. She’ll learn all of that, I’m positive about that!

Children are an amazing thing. But they’re not going to be perfect and cute all of the time. One needs to have a little bit of planning, knowledge, and purpose in order to raise them. After seeing how horribly others can do, I think that I’d be a little bit more scared to raise one on my own. Very, very scared.

On Bathroom Behavior

Tagged as: The-Wrong-Way Jul 13

You know me, I like going the wong way. Even in the bathroom. Want to go the wrong way? Here’s how:

1. Carry on a long conversation with others. Because that’s where socializing should take place. Nobody wants some peace and quiet, they want to get to know you while they’re relieving themselves. Or maybe they want to overhear you talking with someone else. Anyways, it’s even worse when they’re talking to you and you’re both doing some business. It’s even worse if you’re both at urinals. It’s even worse if they look at you. It’s even worse if there’s no wall between the urinals.
2. Splash human waste around. You know, get it on the floor, the walls, wherever you can. Because it’s not full of diseases. Besides, it’s funny. And there’s no price too small for a laugh! And no aiming! Let others step in your waste. We like it. No scratch that, we love it.
3. Write obscene messages on the wall. Because everyone likes to hear what goes on in the minds of the underbelly of society. We want to know how you feel about your reproductive organs. We also want to know how you feel about politics. Really, that is the only reason that we’re in the bathroom.
4. Don’t wash your hands. It takes too much time. It’s too much of a hassle. And you’re a clean person, so it’s a waste anyways. Oh and it’s beneficial because it saves water. Everyone wins. Everyone. Of course, then What (am I) To Think?
5. Don’t eat fiber. It makes you have to poo everyday. And that is just not productive. You might as well wait 2 or 3 days and then get all of the pooing done at once. If it clogs the toilet, oh well! Someone will fix it. You’re actually giving them a job to do by clogging up the toilet. You’re supporting someone’s family! Do the good deed.
6. Get other things done while you’re sitting on the pot. Browse your Blackberry, read the newspaper, floss your teeth. Do what you need to do to make that time more productive. Yeah that’s not A Scary Thought, is it?
7. Leave trash all around. Waste more toilet seat covers than you need. Yank on that toilet paper. (For girls) leave those female hygiene products everywhere but the waste basket where they belong. Like I said, that’s someone else’s job. You’re helping out society by lowering unemployment.

So my experiences are a little colored since I don’t go into the women’s bathroom all too often. But you know what? I think that the facts hold true there, too. So you can follow these ideas, but then you’ll be going the wrong way. As for me, I think that I’ll keep it clean and sanitary while I go the wong way.

On Driving

Tagged as: Humor, The-Wrong-Way Jun 27

Here’s what you should do when you’re driving.

1. Weave - You mastered Gran Tourismo. Life is just like that. Everyone else is just a computer and they don’t matter. They’re just obstacles in your way to the glorious finish line!
2. Swerve Suddenly and As Late As Possible - Don’t make controlled lane changes in a reasonable amount of time. Wait until the very last second and surprise everyone with what you’re going to do. The government and Google already know everything about you, why let them know what lane you’re going to change to? That’s right, stick it to the Man.
3. Yell At Other Drivers - Why bother being nice and full of good cheer? Inside you want to yell at them anyways. Old, young, black, white, hispanic, asian, gangsters, teenagers, rich, or poor they had no right to be there when you wanted to change into their lane. So go ahead, give ‘em an earful. And you wouldn’t want to make the tirade any less effective so go ahead and stare at them while you yell. Don’t worry about making sure not to hit someone else while you’re not looking. I already let them know that you’re going to not be paying attention so they’ll rightfully get out of your way. Because it’s all about you.
4. Cross Double Yellow Lines - They don’t mean anything anyways. What are lines anyways? They’re just contrived barriers between us and the world. As a kid you wanted to color outside of the lines. And now as a driver you want to cross them as many times as you can. So let loose and cross them. Or better yet, just straddle the lines and pretend that the lines are like the rail that guides your Autopia car at Disneyland. That should be fun trying to sqeeze through when there are stupid cars on either side of you.
5. Cheat In The Carpool Lane - Cheaters 4 Life? Who cares, you need to get somewhere fast and the carpool lane was made for that. It’s not fair that people that decrease gas usage get to go faster. You paid good money for your vehicle and you deserve to go as fast as you are able to. Besides, you’re more important than everyone else anyways.
6. Tailgate - Stick as close as possible to the car in front of you. “I don’t want to get into an accident,” you say. Sissy! I always say if you can’t kiss it, then you shouldn’t be staring at its rear.

So follow these simple steps and you’ll quickly be going the wrong way. However, if you’d rather be going the Wong way, use your head and don’t do any of them!

Thanks, Ms. Q for the idea. If it goes well (people enjoy it), I’m sure that I will come up with more. So let me know what you think of it.